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Let's now explore the sixth and final step in the process of forgiveness I am using.

6. Have some clarity about what the forgiveness will look like in this case. I may realize forgiving one person looks different from forgiving another.

I think forgiveness looks a bit different from person to person. The way I forgive may be different from what works for you. I also believe that what is needed in forgiveness is unique to the person being forgiven. It matters whether the person is alive or dead. It matters whether this is someone you can conceive of having a future relationship with or not. It matters whether the person is such a damaged individual that there is little hope (never no hope, of course) of them ever coming to a place of understanding about their actions, or whether they are a sensitive soul who may one day wish to examine the events and move towards reconciliation.

There are many other factors as well. You and I, doing the forgiveness, is unique. Each person needing our forgiveness is unique. Each situation is unique. And so forgiveness also looks different in each case.

At the end of the process, therefore, it is a good practice to consider what your ongoing forgiveness of the person is going to look like, so you have a measuring stick to recall when they come to mind or you cross their path in the future.

You will want to consider some of the things mentioned above, as well as a few others. Is there a personal safety issue involved, such that you need to distance yourself from the person? Is the person able to hurt you from afar, perhaps through social media, phone calls, chats with other people in your circle? Was the incident isolated or part of an ongoing situation? Would you want to contact the person again for possible reconciliation? Would you consider making the first move, or would that be up to them? How will you manage thoughts and feelings that may bubble up inside in the future?

Consider these and other factors that apply in your case. From your forgiveness perspective, write down what ongoing forgiveness will look like in your case—what you will and won't do, how you can keep yourself healthy, and how you can maintain the forgiveness you have found.

In the next post we will consider some things this state of forgiveness does and does not mean.

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Here we are, still in step 5 of the forgiveness process I am using. I'd like to consider with you when we can know we have forgiven the person.

I think some of us can sit down at this point, offer the person to the Lord, pronounce forgiveness, and not look back or be bothered about things later on.

Others of us, and this includes me, operate a little differently. I have enough doubt in myself that making a pronouncement that "sticks" internally for all time doesn't seem to work. When I try to work that way, I inevitably find myself thinking at some later point, "Have you truly forgiven this person?"

That's just me and my insecurities. I find things work much better for me when I can come to some kind of realization here in step 5 that I feel much more kindly towards the person than I did before beginning the process. Or that I have let go of a desire for retribution, or for them to admit what they did and ask forgiveness from me. I feel a sense of progress when I can pray for, instead of at the person.

When I sense a change in myself regarding the other person, I am, in that moment, forgiving them. And when I sense further change, I am forgiving them. When I realize the change has persisted within me over time, I am continuing to forgive them.

What works for me is a realization that I am in the process of forgiving, not that I have, in a moment, completed the task. And not that, having forgiven them, I can move on and never think of them again. I want to persist in this state of forgiveness, and when a thought of the person comes to mind, to realize I am still holding them in this grace. To be able to continue to pray for them and want the best for them.

That is what is working for me.

Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven has come near!

In the Advent season, those of us from liturgical backgrounds are reminded every year by the scripture readings that guide worship that Advent is not just a season of hope and joy because of the coming of Christ. It is foremost a season of preparation for his coming.

Churches that use the Revised Common Lectionary find some of their scripture texts and sermons are about repentance and Christ's second coming of judgment. It's possible, of course, to skirt these texts and choose only the ones that are about hope, joy, and the coming of a better world through the Messiah. But even these texts hold an aspect of repentance in them. The hope of a better world is one where the rough places will be made straight, the poor will be fed, injustice will be no more, safety and peace will reign.

Excuse me, but those things will not happen unless humans wake up and start living in different ways. In other words, we need to be about repentance. The Messiah comes, in part, to provide a  example to us about what living out God's priorities looks like. He comes in part to enable us to do it ourselves. And he comes, in part, to provide forgiveness for those who realize they have not been living as God desires. Those who repent.

"Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven has come near!" -- John, Matthew 3:2

"Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven has come near!" -- Jesus, Matthew 4:17

It's no accident that both John the Baptist and Jesus make repentance—turning away from the way you used to live, and living a new way in accordance with God's commands—the focus of their preaching. God's message to us has been all about repentance ever since we first started sinning. What is the message of the Old Testament prophets? Repentance. What do Jesus and John the Baptist and Paul and others in the New Testament emphasize? Repentance.

So in Advent it should come as no surprise as we prepare for Christ's coming and the promise it holds for the world, that part of our preparation is to repent. In the clutter of the "Shopmas" season, taking the time to take stock and repent is one of the best ways we can honor the birth of our Lord.

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Here we are, still in step 5 of the forgiveness process I have been using.

Usually, once I've written down my reflections and considered them, I realize I now am feeling differently about the person I need to forgive. I may empathize with their situation, if not their actions. I may better understand their limitations, for in going through the forgiveness process I have also run across and considered some of my own. I often begin to feel a sense of sorrow and sadness towards the person and how they live. Not so much a sense of pity, but instead a sense of understanding that they live with their burdens (acknowledged or unacknowledged) just as I live with my own.

Because I took the time to complete steps 1-3, I can rest in knowing the actions that were committed, as well as the consequences of the actions, have been noted and considered, not swept under the rug or "cheap grace-d" away as if they never happened. I can also rest knowing these actions, and the person responsible, have been committed to God.

And so I find in this step I actually begin praying for the person, rather than at the person. There is still a sense of hoping and asking that the person may someday realize what they did and that reconciliation may be possible. But it is no longer out of a sense of me wanting to "give them the what for" or "having my day in court" with them, or making sure they know how much they have hurt me or others.

It is more in a sense of wanting the very best for them, for them to come to healing, just as I am coming to healing. For them to experience Christ more fully, just as I am. For them to be freed from unhealthy ways of thinking, feeling and acting, just as God is doing with me. And for these things to happen for them whether or not we ever reconcile, and whether or not I will actually be a part of their lives from here on out.

These are the things, I am learning, that start to happen as I move closer to forgiveness. I think they are part of what forgiveness looks like. But when can we say the person actually has been forgiven? I will explore that in the next post.

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Step 5 is the time to consider what God is showing you, and make a list that reflects the changes you are experiencing inside.

5. Reflect on what I am learning, come up with new perspectives, continue to an attitude of forgiveness, and realize there may or may not be an actual moment when I feel the work is complete. It may be more of a continuum where I gradually come to feel more forgiving than I had before.

The list I make in this phase is a kind of settling into a place where forgiveness is possible. It usually contains some statements acknowledging the hurt the person's actions have caused. But it also includes reflections on other things (good things, areas of growth, positive changes, etc.) that might not have come about were it not for the person's sins.

I often include on the list the ways my perspective on the person and their actions have been changing.

It can include my best estimation of the "why" behind the actions. Perhaps the person was blindly defending a family member. Perhaps they have an emotional disability. They might have been yearning for acceptance by an influential person. This is not excusing the behavior. It is trying to understand it.

Sometimes I need to throw up my hands and admit I do not understand, and probably never will. This also goes on the list. It is not an insurmountable situation though, as it helps me identify more with Jesus' act of forgiveness on the cross for people who "know not what they do."

These are by no means the only kinds of reflections you can write down in step 5. Whatever insights you are finding are helpful should go here. Whatever has the potential to move you towards forgiveness should be considered and noted.

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I'd like to stay in step 4, where you have given your burden of forgiveness to the Lord and are waiting on and trusting in him.

I have found that interesting things can happen during this step, when I know what I have given him and already am feeling some relief from the burden of needing to be angry and hurt.

Sometimes, another couple of things the person has done will come to my mind. These may be underlying larger issues that I had not been conscious of while I was focused on the more immediate, specific problems. When this is the case, I don't chastise myself for not thinking of these things in the earlier steps. Rather, I thank God for bringing them to my mind or helping me become aware of them. And then I simply add them to the other things I have placed before God and entrusted to him.

Another thing that can happen is that I begin to see the person differently. I might remember that they have had a tough life, or a difficult childhood. I may think about their current struggles. Maybe there are family issues. Maybe health issues. Maybe they have emotional problems or mental health issues. Perhaps they are unaware of how they affect others in general. They might believe they have to prove themselves to everyone. Do they have problems at work? Are they out of work? Perhaps they are under great stress. They may have suffered a loss or are lonely. In this step, I often begin to feel compassion for the person and the issues they are facing, even if those issues are self-created.

This can lead to gaining a sense of the reasons the person may have had for doing what they did. It doesn't mean I need to agree what they did was good. It doesn't change their actions or the effects their actions had on me and others. But it might help me to understand what made sense to them.

In this step I sometimes get a sense of how God sees this person, and also of how God sees me. That is always helpful.

Leave room in step four for God to show you whatever he wants. Do not be surprised at the directions in which he takes you. When new insights come to your mind, take time to consider why you are being shown what you are. Be open.

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Step four in the forgiveness process I am using is a time for rest, for quiet contemplation, for waiting on the Lord.

4. Bring steps 1-3 before the Lord, resting in him to help me forgive and gain insight into the person and situation.

One reason you can rest calmly in this step is that you have worked hard and devoted time in steps 1-3 to consider the person and your expectations of them, list their behaviors that need to be forgiven, and explore why those behaviors require forgiveness. You have been honest about the person and honest with yourself.

Now you can lay all of this before the Lord in trust that he will know what to do with it, and help you to proceed to forgiveness.

I find it helpful to imagine all the things on the lists I have made are gathered together in a kind of satchel or backpack that I can carry to God and leave with him. Sometimes it is good to imagine you are leaving these things before God's throne or his altar. Or you could picture leaving them at the foot of the cross. Use whatever kind of image is helpful to you.

You have done the best you can at considering the issues, and you have now given them to God. What will he do with your concerns, your feelings of hurt, your anger, your sense of being wronged? What will he do with the person who has done the things that have hurt you and possibly others?

You can trust that because of his character, God will be just, righteous, faithful and merciful. This is a good time in which to contemplate God's holiness, his character, his call to us to forgive, what Jesus said about forgiveness, and Jesus' passion and death on the cross. Read portions of scripture on these subjects. Recall hymns on these themes. Spend time in prayer, being open to hearing God's voice.

It is fine to let this step take a while—several days or longer than that if it feels right and necessary. Here is where a lot of healing can happen for you.

It's only 'Shopmas' if you let it

FIRST SUNDAY OF ADVENT, 2013— I like Christmas. I don't like Shopmas. I had not heard of this term before I read this column in The Washington Post today, but it fits the situation perfectly.

With all due respect to my conservative Christian friends, I don't think it is people saying "Happy Holidays" that constitutes a War on Christmas(TM). Whatever war there was on Christmas was fought and lost back in the late 1800s when the gift-giving and Santa Claus-y stuff started taking control.

This year, I think, a new boundary has been crossed and obliterated. It's the Shopmas incursion on Thanksgiving, one of the last fairly pure holidays we have in this country. This year Shopmas crossed the Thanksgiving midnight barrier and bled well into the day of rest itself. Thanksgiving, not "Black Friday," is now the official start of the Shopmas lunacy.

Who are these people that fall for the Shopmas hype, that go for the doorbuster deals and camp out and stampede, and all that other stuff we see on the news? Why is shopping news anyway?

The commercials are especially insidious this year, whether they are Walmart's endlessly repeated ads or Target's "be a better competitive shopper than everyone else" offerings. The point seems to no longer be giving gifts to those you love, but beating those you love at at the gift-giving competition.

What competition? Are real people actually in competition with each other to see who can have the most perfect season of excess? To be the most clever at shopping? I am not sure I know people like this, but they sure seem to be all over the TV ads.

Some day I would like to see wide swaths of Americans rejecting the Shopmas hype, dialing it back, and living more sanely. Perhaps this is already happening, but it is not getting noticed through all the hype of our retail industrial complex.

For myself, I am focusing on Advent this year. Preparing myself quietly for the coming of hope into to our human mess, once again. I am reading the passages from Isaiah, the Gospels, and yes, the apocalyptic verses that are part of the Advent Lectionary but often get overlooked. Because with the coming of the infant Messiah, one of our tasks is to remember the second coming of Christ and the Day of the Lord he brings with him.

I'll buy some gifts, and decorate my house, and be with my family, yes. But it's only Shopmas season if you let it. I'm not going to let it. A quiet protest, focusing on where my hope lies, is how I plan to spend the next four weeks.