The process of forgiveness 19

In my journeys of forgiveness, I've noticed over and over that I've been forgiving people who don't realize or acknowledge they did something that needs forgiveness. Previous posts in this forgiveness series have touched on this, and on how to forgive in this situation.

One thing that keeps rolling around in my head are Jesus' own words of forgiveness from the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Here Jesus is practicing what he had preached during his ministry about the importance of, and need to forgive others. And he is doing it in the most dire of circumstances.

Now, I am not going to equate what happens when we forgive people with Jesus' Great Forgiveness as he was dying to gain victory over sin and evil in the world. But I do think there is some relationship between our forgiveness and God's forgiveness.

There's a key, mystical link there, and Jesus didn't mince words about it during his ministry. For example, in the Sermon on the Mount, he said:

"If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matt. 6:14–15)

Jesus does not say, "forgive others when they ask you to forgive them" or "forgive them when they come to their senses and realize what they did wrong." He just says to forgive them, period, and that this has some link to how God will forgive us. It doesn't seem to matter what they do, or don't do, or what they believe, or think they did. We are just supposed to forgive them.

I have found that when I am able to go through my process and forgive, I feel more closely drawn to my relationship to the persons of the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. When I forgive those who are not asking for forgiveness (which is most of the people I've forgiven), I feel very distinctly that I am in tune with Christ, who forgave those who "know not what they do."

There must be something very important about this. It is something on which to meditate, and something definitely to practice, as Jesus taught us to do.

The process of forgiveness 18

What if, after you've forgiven the person, another incident happens, you learn something new or something else comes to mind for which the person needs to be forgiven? This is a fairly common occurrance, especially if the person is still a part of your life.

You will probably find you are not as angry or hurt as you would have been in the past. You can start with where you have already gotten in the process. You already have thought through what you had expected of the person, the things the person did, how those things hurt you or others. And because you have already come to a place of forgiveness, you have given these previous behaviors and the person to God. You already have a new perspective on the person and are able to pray for them. You are in a different place, a place of forgiveness.

Most likely the new act or the thing you have remembered that needs forgiveness now will be similar to what you've already worked through. You can rest in what you learned through your earlier forgiveness. Take the new problem back to God and sit with him, then see it in light of what you have previously forgiven and accept any new insights God shows you (as in step 4). You may need to consider changing how your forgiveness will work itself out in your life (step 5) or modify what your continued forgiveness will look like for this person (step 6).

Remember that when people have shown you who they are, you should not be surprised when they act that way. Their new actions can cause you to feel sad or disappointed, of course, but you should not be surprised. And you can offer forgiveness again.

The process of forgiveness 17

Here is another thought on the final, "What does forgiveness look like?" stage of the forgiveness process I am using.

Forgiveness does not mean I need to resume a relationship with the person. If the person is in denial about their actions, or I repeatedly have tried in the past to "get through" to them without success, it does not make sense to get back in there with them and try some more. If the person is flat-out physically dangerous to be around, or consistently emotionally or mentally draining to me, there is no point in re-subjecting myself to abuse.

I can forgive, love and pray for them from a distance. I do not need to tell the person I have forgiven them. The "why" is simple. Many people do not see themselves in need of forgiveness; in their minds they have done nothing wrong. Many see themselves as victims. To tell a person like this that I forgive them—when their own perspective is that they are an innocent victim who has been hurt by others, and not someone capable of harming others—would do more harm than good and put me back in a relationship with them that would not be good for either of us.

I have never seen a person like this attempt any of the preliminary actions that would precede face-to-face confession, forgiveness and eventually reconciliation—a phone call, an email, or a request to talk from an "I've missed you, could we get together" standpoint.

I pray that these sorts of things might happen someday. I keep the door open on my end. I look for signs there is a crack in the wall they have built up around themselves, or that they may be getting better, in therapy or through medication. Where appropriate and safe, I do reach out and attempt to repair a relationship. But when the person I have forgiven is unstable, in denial, or dangerous, I forgive, and pray for them from a distance.

And that's OK.

The process of forgiveness 16

In the final step of my forgiveness process, I work out what forgiveness will and will not mean for me regarding the person in question.

For example, one thing I have decided is forgiveness means I will not go back at some point in the future, and be angry all over again at this person for the same thing I have already forgiven them for. If I have an ongoing relationship with them, and they exhibit the same kind of behavior in new instances, those instances will need forgiveness, of course. But if I have forgiven a past action, I will not revisit and dwell on that particular action again.

For me, forgiveness also means I am free to, and even compelled to, pray for the person in the future. Now that I have gone through the process and see the person in a new light, I can lift them up to God from my new perspective. I no longer feel the need to remind God about my experiences with them as I pray (praying at them, not for them). Instead, I can take myself out of the prayer and concentrate on them and their healing.

At the same time, forgiveness does not mean I can't work further on my own healing from the actions. I fully intend to gain what insight I can from the events and how they have shaped my life. I will explore what I have learned, mistakes I have made, ways I showed strength, and how I was hurt. I will grow from the experiences. But I will be doing so from a much larger, graceful place---not a place of anger.