The process of forgiveness 20

How do you keep yourself in a state of forgiveness?

There are times when I am very tempted to fall out of the forgiveness and the peace for which I've worked so hard to get. I find there are two things that try to pull me out of forgiveness. The first is learning some new piece of information about the person, or remembering some new problem I hadn't worked into my original forgiveness process. The second is when the person actually does something new, to me or to another person.

Let's take the second problem first. When something new happens, I've noticed it is almost always a variation on something I have already processed about the person. I find when I consider the new actions in light of what I've already forgiven, I can minimize my anger or hurt feelings, and move quickly into a place where I feel badly that the person has not changed, that they are still stuck in a behavior or way of thinking, that they are still doing things that hurt themselves as well as others, and so on. I can get to the point where I want to pray for the person out of sorrow and wanting the best for them.

Notice that I wrote "minimize my anger or hurt feelings." I usually still have them as an initial reaction, and I can't quite stop my adrenaline from kicking in and my blood pressure from elevating. But I can more quickly recover from these gut reactions. I can more easily check myself from taking things personally---even though the act may be intended as a personal attack. I can fairly quickly get back into the forgiveness state of mind, which is where I want to be.

The first problem, that of learning new information or remembering something I had not previously considered, takes more time. Here is where pulling out my written-down notes about my process helps immensely. I think about the new wrinkle I've become aware of, and then look to my notes to see whether I have, in fact, already considered it or something very similar to it.

Usually, I have already either covered the behavior in my initial forgiveness process, or I have considered something very close to it. In these cases, the new information can be incorporated as another example of something I've already processed. Or it may help me to better understand and flesh out a behavior about which previously I only had a vague notion.

The point is, gaining additional information does not throw out the hard work you've already done in forgiveness. Almost always, it is not a "brand new" thing to forgive, but rather, another example or a clarification of something you've already forgiven.

If it does turn out to be something new, you can just go through the process for this one particular thing, knowing you have already done so much work on other areas of forgiveness. That hard work is not invalidated. Of course, you absolutely may decide to make minor adjustments to how you think of those things, or what you are forgiving. You even may find the new knowledge helps you to better understand the person and have more empathy for them and the way they live.

The point here is that as time moves forward, your forgiveness can be flexible enough to take in changing circumstances. New things may happen with the person. Or you may learn more information about them, or remember something you'd forgotten. None of these things has to torpedo your forgiveness. As they happen, just take these things in, hold them up to the Holy Spirit, listen and ponder, and incorporate them into your greater forgiveness. Things change, of course. But you also have been changed, freed by forgiveness, and empowered to live in its light in a new day.

The work of forgiveness 1

It's been nine months since the church I helped to lead closed its doors, and during this time I have been learning a lot about myself, my relationship to God, and where I need to get my head on straight before I attempt to join and serve in a new church.

Among other things, I realized I had to come to terms with the way our church slid into its death spiral, work out my feelings towards those primarily responsible for the loss, and, because this latest church failure was similar to previous church problems in my life, make sense of the larger picture I have witnessed.

Even with a whole lot of soul searching, it took me the better part of a year to start understanding:
How angry I was.
Why I was angry.
Who I was angry with.
Why I needed to go through a process of forgiveness before I could have anything to do with a new church.
What a process of forgiveness even looks like in my case.

I hope to share my forgiveness journey with you in installments over the next months. 

It's no longer working

Somewhere in my 40s, I started noticing something about people in my age group. It's become more apparent now that I'm a decade past that. Perhaps I see more of it because I'm an ordained minister and people tend to confide in me. But I really think I am on to something.

What's hit me is how many people who have been trying to make life work on their own terms seem to hit the wall at about this point in their lives. However they've been coping with life's realities become less and less effective with time, and now it's to the point where it's crumbling.

Addictions don't fly under the radar anymore—now they're causing real damage. If they've been self-medicating to get by, it's no longer enough. If there are financial issues, at this point the hole seems impossibly deep. If mental health hasn't been looked after, now its built-up repercussions are taking a real toll. If there has been physical neglect, disease has set in. It's also the time when friendships, marriages and families fall apart.

In every aspect of life, people can no longer get away with living as they did when they were younger. The chickens come home to roost in these decades.

Everywhere I look in my age group—friends and family, co-workers and church folks—all seem to be hanging on by a thread as they experience setbacks and major life disappointments, many of their own making.

What an opportunity for the church to offer hope to ordinary, broken people, to really reach out with a message of love, acceptance and healing.

Christmas project

A friend of mine is going for another chemo treatment today, Christmas Eve. Down the street, my neighbor is dealing with the news that the cancer was not just in the tumor, but in the bladder wall, too. A dear friend is in Iowa, post-funeral for her mother. Another is in Pittsburgh—same situation.

The Christmas cards I received this year are filled with personal notes: "My mother is fighting lymphoma; I'm spending time in Nebraska with her." "My father died this year and my mother is spiraling downward. Still, we are blessed." "November: chemo starts for my brain tumor."

Some friends have taken in family members who are in trouble when no one else would. They're doing the right thing but feeling the strain. A friend at church continues to be her husband's caregiver; his diabetes has led to multiple hospitalizations in the last year. Some women at church are regular visitors to a friend who has been in and out of hospitals and rehab facilities for several years. They haven't forgotten her.

There are a lot of hurting people out there—people we know and interact with every day. Sometimes they're dealing with illness or death, sometimes with financial problems. Sometimes they are weighed down with caregiving or heavy responsibilities.

When the lawyer asked Jesus, "Who is my neighbor?" in Luke 10, he was not prepared for the answer. Everyone is our neighbor.

My challenge to myself, and to you, is to reach out to people you know are hurting in this Christmas season. Send them an email. Give them a call. Stop by for a visit. Do something nice to show you care.

In Galatians 6:2, Paul writes that when we share one another's burdens, we are fulfilling the law of Christ. What is that law? That we love one another. You can look through the whole Bible and the theme is consistent. Love one another. Let's get out there and do it. It's part of the big picture of what Christmas is all about.