Collateral damage 10

Something is going on here as we mutually cause each other harm, participating in the cycle of collateral damage.

I believe this is one reason Jesus said forgiveness was so important. The cycle has to be broken at some point, and the way to do that is through the healing power forgiveness offers.

It's why I needed to find a process of forgiveness that worked for me, and why I shared it with you here.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life being a hostage to the collateral damage I've experienced. I don't like living in victimhood. I want to acknowledge things that have happened, give them their due, and then move on from the hold they have on me. Forgiveness is the way to reclaim who God wants me to be and begin to live for Him again.

Through soberly considering my own PTSD and collateral damage, I have been given the gift of empathy for others in similar situations. I can use the feelings I've experienced, the lost opportunities, hurt and pain I know firsthand to have compassion for people caught in bad situations around the world. This has become an important part of my prayer life and my witness to others.

Such experiences, I've found, in the end also bring me closer to Christ, who was misunderstood, ignored, bore pain and heartache, suffered, and was killed. Jesus understands and fights against collateral damage. I can use the same tools of compassion, forthrightness and forgiveness as he did to do the same.

The process of forgiveness 20

How do you keep yourself in a state of forgiveness?

There are times when I am very tempted to fall out of the forgiveness and the peace for which I've worked so hard to get. I find there are two things that try to pull me out of forgiveness. The first is learning some new piece of information about the person, or remembering some new problem I hadn't worked into my original forgiveness process. The second is when the person actually does something new, to me or to another person.

Let's take the second problem first. When something new happens, I've noticed it is almost always a variation on something I have already processed about the person. I find when I consider the new actions in light of what I've already forgiven, I can minimize my anger or hurt feelings, and move quickly into a place where I feel badly that the person has not changed, that they are still stuck in a behavior or way of thinking, that they are still doing things that hurt themselves as well as others, and so on. I can get to the point where I want to pray for the person out of sorrow and wanting the best for them.

Notice that I wrote "minimize my anger or hurt feelings." I usually still have them as an initial reaction, and I can't quite stop my adrenaline from kicking in and my blood pressure from elevating. But I can more quickly recover from these gut reactions. I can more easily check myself from taking things personally---even though the act may be intended as a personal attack. I can fairly quickly get back into the forgiveness state of mind, which is where I want to be.

The first problem, that of learning new information or remembering something I had not previously considered, takes more time. Here is where pulling out my written-down notes about my process helps immensely. I think about the new wrinkle I've become aware of, and then look to my notes to see whether I have, in fact, already considered it or something very similar to it.

Usually, I have already either covered the behavior in my initial forgiveness process, or I have considered something very close to it. In these cases, the new information can be incorporated as another example of something I've already processed. Or it may help me to better understand and flesh out a behavior about which previously I only had a vague notion.

The point is, gaining additional information does not throw out the hard work you've already done in forgiveness. Almost always, it is not a "brand new" thing to forgive, but rather, another example or a clarification of something you've already forgiven.

If it does turn out to be something new, you can just go through the process for this one particular thing, knowing you have already done so much work on other areas of forgiveness. That hard work is not invalidated. Of course, you absolutely may decide to make minor adjustments to how you think of those things, or what you are forgiving. You even may find the new knowledge helps you to better understand the person and have more empathy for them and the way they live.

The point here is that as time moves forward, your forgiveness can be flexible enough to take in changing circumstances. New things may happen with the person. Or you may learn more information about them, or remember something you'd forgotten. None of these things has to torpedo your forgiveness. As they happen, just take these things in, hold them up to the Holy Spirit, listen and ponder, and incorporate them into your greater forgiveness. Things change, of course. But you also have been changed, freed by forgiveness, and empowered to live in its light in a new day.

The process of forgiveness 19

In my journeys of forgiveness, I've noticed over and over that I've been forgiving people who don't realize or acknowledge they did something that needs forgiveness. Previous posts in this forgiveness series have touched on this, and on how to forgive in this situation.

One thing that keeps rolling around in my head are Jesus' own words of forgiveness from the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Here Jesus is practicing what he had preached during his ministry about the importance of, and need to forgive others. And he is doing it in the most dire of circumstances.

Now, I am not going to equate what happens when we forgive people with Jesus' Great Forgiveness as he was dying to gain victory over sin and evil in the world. But I do think there is some relationship between our forgiveness and God's forgiveness.

There's a key, mystical link there, and Jesus didn't mince words about it during his ministry. For example, in the Sermon on the Mount, he said:

"If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matt. 6:14–15)

Jesus does not say, "forgive others when they ask you to forgive them" or "forgive them when they come to their senses and realize what they did wrong." He just says to forgive them, period, and that this has some link to how God will forgive us. It doesn't seem to matter what they do, or don't do, or what they believe, or think they did. We are just supposed to forgive them.

I have found that when I am able to go through my process and forgive, I feel more closely drawn to my relationship to the persons of the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. When I forgive those who are not asking for forgiveness (which is most of the people I've forgiven), I feel very distinctly that I am in tune with Christ, who forgave those who "know not what they do."

There must be something very important about this. It is something on which to meditate, and something definitely to practice, as Jesus taught us to do.

The process of forgiveness 18

What if, after you've forgiven the person, another incident happens, you learn something new or something else comes to mind for which the person needs to be forgiven? This is a fairly common occurrance, especially if the person is still a part of your life.

You will probably find you are not as angry or hurt as you would have been in the past. You can start with where you have already gotten in the process. You already have thought through what you had expected of the person, the things the person did, how those things hurt you or others. And because you have already come to a place of forgiveness, you have given these previous behaviors and the person to God. You already have a new perspective on the person and are able to pray for them. You are in a different place, a place of forgiveness.

Most likely the new act or the thing you have remembered that needs forgiveness now will be similar to what you've already worked through. You can rest in what you learned through your earlier forgiveness. Take the new problem back to God and sit with him, then see it in light of what you have previously forgiven and accept any new insights God shows you (as in step 4). You may need to consider changing how your forgiveness will work itself out in your life (step 5) or modify what your continued forgiveness will look like for this person (step 6).

Remember that when people have shown you who they are, you should not be surprised when they act that way. Their new actions can cause you to feel sad or disappointed, of course, but you should not be surprised. And you can offer forgiveness again.

The process of forgiveness 17

Here is another thought on the final, "What does forgiveness look like?" stage of the forgiveness process I am using.

Forgiveness does not mean I need to resume a relationship with the person. If the person is in denial about their actions, or I repeatedly have tried in the past to "get through" to them without success, it does not make sense to get back in there with them and try some more. If the person is flat-out physically dangerous to be around, or consistently emotionally or mentally draining to me, there is no point in re-subjecting myself to abuse.

I can forgive, love and pray for them from a distance. I do not need to tell the person I have forgiven them. The "why" is simple. Many people do not see themselves in need of forgiveness; in their minds they have done nothing wrong. Many see themselves as victims. To tell a person like this that I forgive them—when their own perspective is that they are an innocent victim who has been hurt by others, and not someone capable of harming others—would do more harm than good and put me back in a relationship with them that would not be good for either of us.

I have never seen a person like this attempt any of the preliminary actions that would precede face-to-face confession, forgiveness and eventually reconciliation—a phone call, an email, or a request to talk from an "I've missed you, could we get together" standpoint.

I pray that these sorts of things might happen someday. I keep the door open on my end. I look for signs there is a crack in the wall they have built up around themselves, or that they may be getting better, in therapy or through medication. Where appropriate and safe, I do reach out and attempt to repair a relationship. But when the person I have forgiven is unstable, in denial, or dangerous, I forgive, and pray for them from a distance.

And that's OK.

The process of forgiveness 16

In the final step of my forgiveness process, I work out what forgiveness will and will not mean for me regarding the person in question.

For example, one thing I have decided is forgiveness means I will not go back at some point in the future, and be angry all over again at this person for the same thing I have already forgiven them for. If I have an ongoing relationship with them, and they exhibit the same kind of behavior in new instances, those instances will need forgiveness, of course. But if I have forgiven a past action, I will not revisit and dwell on that particular action again.

For me, forgiveness also means I am free to, and even compelled to, pray for the person in the future. Now that I have gone through the process and see the person in a new light, I can lift them up to God from my new perspective. I no longer feel the need to remind God about my experiences with them as I pray (praying at them, not for them). Instead, I can take myself out of the prayer and concentrate on them and their healing.

At the same time, forgiveness does not mean I can't work further on my own healing from the actions. I fully intend to gain what insight I can from the events and how they have shaped my life. I will explore what I have learned, mistakes I have made, ways I showed strength, and how I was hurt. I will grow from the experiences. But I will be doing so from a much larger, graceful place---not a place of anger.

The work of forgiveness 15

Let's now explore the sixth and final step in the process of forgiveness I am using.

6. Have some clarity about what the forgiveness will look like in this case. I may realize forgiving one person looks different from forgiving another.

I think forgiveness looks a bit different from person to person. The way I forgive may be different from what works for you. I also believe that what is needed in forgiveness is unique to the person being forgiven. It matters whether the person is alive or dead. It matters whether this is someone you can conceive of having a future relationship with or not. It matters whether the person is such a damaged individual that there is little hope (never no hope, of course) of them ever coming to a place of understanding about their actions, or whether they are a sensitive soul who may one day wish to examine the events and move towards reconciliation.

There are many other factors as well. You and I, doing the forgiveness, is unique. Each person needing our forgiveness is unique. Each situation is unique. And so forgiveness also looks different in each case.

At the end of the process, therefore, it is a good practice to consider what your ongoing forgiveness of the person is going to look like, so you have a measuring stick to recall when they come to mind or you cross their path in the future.

You will want to consider some of the things mentioned above, as well as a few others. Is there a personal safety issue involved, such that you need to distance yourself from the person? Is the person able to hurt you from afar, perhaps through social media, phone calls, chats with other people in your circle? Was the incident isolated or part of an ongoing situation? Would you want to contact the person again for possible reconciliation? Would you consider making the first move, or would that be up to them? How will you manage thoughts and feelings that may bubble up inside in the future?

Consider these and other factors that apply in your case. From your forgiveness perspective, write down what ongoing forgiveness will look like in your case—what you will and won't do, how you can keep yourself healthy, and how you can maintain the forgiveness you have found.

In the next post we will consider some things this state of forgiveness does and does not mean.

The work of forgiveness 14

Here we are, still in step 5 of the forgiveness process I am using. I'd like to consider with you when we can know we have forgiven the person.

I think some of us can sit down at this point, offer the person to the Lord, pronounce forgiveness, and not look back or be bothered about things later on.

Others of us, and this includes me, operate a little differently. I have enough doubt in myself that making a pronouncement that "sticks" internally for all time doesn't seem to work. When I try to work that way, I inevitably find myself thinking at some later point, "Have you truly forgiven this person?"

That's just me and my insecurities. I find things work much better for me when I can come to some kind of realization here in step 5 that I feel much more kindly towards the person than I did before beginning the process. Or that I have let go of a desire for retribution, or for them to admit what they did and ask forgiveness from me. I feel a sense of progress when I can pray for, instead of at the person.

When I sense a change in myself regarding the other person, I am, in that moment, forgiving them. And when I sense further change, I am forgiving them. When I realize the change has persisted within me over time, I am continuing to forgive them.

What works for me is a realization that I am in the process of forgiving, not that I have, in a moment, completed the task. And not that, having forgiven them, I can move on and never think of them again. I want to persist in this state of forgiveness, and when a thought of the person comes to mind, to realize I am still holding them in this grace. To be able to continue to pray for them and want the best for them.

That is what is working for me.

The work of forgiveness 13

Here we are, still in step 5 of the forgiveness process I have been using.

Usually, once I've written down my reflections and considered them, I realize I now am feeling differently about the person I need to forgive. I may empathize with their situation, if not their actions. I may better understand their limitations, for in going through the forgiveness process I have also run across and considered some of my own. I often begin to feel a sense of sorrow and sadness towards the person and how they live. Not so much a sense of pity, but instead a sense of understanding that they live with their burdens (acknowledged or unacknowledged) just as I live with my own.

Because I took the time to complete steps 1-3, I can rest in knowing the actions that were committed, as well as the consequences of the actions, have been noted and considered, not swept under the rug or "cheap grace-d" away as if they never happened. I can also rest knowing these actions, and the person responsible, have been committed to God.

And so I find in this step I actually begin praying for the person, rather than at the person. There is still a sense of hoping and asking that the person may someday realize what they did and that reconciliation may be possible. But it is no longer out of a sense of me wanting to "give them the what for" or "having my day in court" with them, or making sure they know how much they have hurt me or others.

It is more in a sense of wanting the very best for them, for them to come to healing, just as I am coming to healing. For them to experience Christ more fully, just as I am. For them to be freed from unhealthy ways of thinking, feeling and acting, just as God is doing with me. And for these things to happen for them whether or not we ever reconcile, and whether or not I will actually be a part of their lives from here on out.

These are the things, I am learning, that start to happen as I move closer to forgiveness. I think they are part of what forgiveness looks like. But when can we say the person actually has been forgiven? I will explore that in the next post.

The work of forgiveness 12

Step 5 is the time to consider what God is showing you, and make a list that reflects the changes you are experiencing inside.

5. Reflect on what I am learning, come up with new perspectives, continue to an attitude of forgiveness, and realize there may or may not be an actual moment when I feel the work is complete. It may be more of a continuum where I gradually come to feel more forgiving than I had before.

The list I make in this phase is a kind of settling into a place where forgiveness is possible. It usually contains some statements acknowledging the hurt the person's actions have caused. But it also includes reflections on other things (good things, areas of growth, positive changes, etc.) that might not have come about were it not for the person's sins.

I often include on the list the ways my perspective on the person and their actions have been changing.

It can include my best estimation of the "why" behind the actions. Perhaps the person was blindly defending a family member. Perhaps they have an emotional disability. They might have been yearning for acceptance by an influential person. This is not excusing the behavior. It is trying to understand it.

Sometimes I need to throw up my hands and admit I do not understand, and probably never will. This also goes on the list. It is not an insurmountable situation though, as it helps me identify more with Jesus' act of forgiveness on the cross for people who "know not what they do."

These are by no means the only kinds of reflections you can write down in step 5. Whatever insights you are finding are helpful should go here. Whatever has the potential to move you towards forgiveness should be considered and noted.

The work of forgiveness 11

I'd like to stay in step 4, where you have given your burden of forgiveness to the Lord and are waiting on and trusting in him.

I have found that interesting things can happen during this step, when I know what I have given him and already am feeling some relief from the burden of needing to be angry and hurt.

Sometimes, another couple of things the person has done will come to my mind. These may be underlying larger issues that I had not been conscious of while I was focused on the more immediate, specific problems. When this is the case, I don't chastise myself for not thinking of these things in the earlier steps. Rather, I thank God for bringing them to my mind or helping me become aware of them. And then I simply add them to the other things I have placed before God and entrusted to him.

Another thing that can happen is that I begin to see the person differently. I might remember that they have had a tough life, or a difficult childhood. I may think about their current struggles. Maybe there are family issues. Maybe health issues. Maybe they have emotional problems or mental health issues. Perhaps they are unaware of how they affect others in general. They might believe they have to prove themselves to everyone. Do they have problems at work? Are they out of work? Perhaps they are under great stress. They may have suffered a loss or are lonely. In this step, I often begin to feel compassion for the person and the issues they are facing, even if those issues are self-created.

This can lead to gaining a sense of the reasons the person may have had for doing what they did. It doesn't mean I need to agree what they did was good. It doesn't change their actions or the effects their actions had on me and others. But it might help me to understand what made sense to them.

In this step I sometimes get a sense of how God sees this person, and also of how God sees me. That is always helpful.

Leave room in step four for God to show you whatever he wants. Do not be surprised at the directions in which he takes you. When new insights come to your mind, take time to consider why you are being shown what you are. Be open.

The work of forgiveness 10

Step four in the forgiveness process I am using is a time for rest, for quiet contemplation, for waiting on the Lord.

4. Bring steps 1-3 before the Lord, resting in him to help me forgive and gain insight into the person and situation.

One reason you can rest calmly in this step is that you have worked hard and devoted time in steps 1-3 to consider the person and your expectations of them, list their behaviors that need to be forgiven, and explore why those behaviors require forgiveness. You have been honest about the person and honest with yourself.

Now you can lay all of this before the Lord in trust that he will know what to do with it, and help you to proceed to forgiveness.

I find it helpful to imagine all the things on the lists I have made are gathered together in a kind of satchel or backpack that I can carry to God and leave with him. Sometimes it is good to imagine you are leaving these things before God's throne or his altar. Or you could picture leaving them at the foot of the cross. Use whatever kind of image is helpful to you.

You have done the best you can at considering the issues, and you have now given them to God. What will he do with your concerns, your feelings of hurt, your anger, your sense of being wronged? What will he do with the person who has done the things that have hurt you and possibly others?

You can trust that because of his character, God will be just, righteous, faithful and merciful. This is a good time in which to contemplate God's holiness, his character, his call to us to forgive, what Jesus said about forgiveness, and Jesus' passion and death on the cross. Read portions of scripture on these subjects. Recall hymns on these themes. Spend time in prayer, being open to hearing God's voice.

It is fine to let this step take a while—several days or longer than that if it feels right and necessary. Here is where a lot of healing can happen for you.

The work of forgiveness 9

In my process, once I  uncovered my expectations of the person I need to forgive, and then listed what behaviors needed to be forgiven, I was surprised to find I needed to add a step before I could continue to forgiveness.

3. What was it about these behaviors that made me angry or hurt?

While I knew the behaviors on my list made me angry, one thing I have learned over the years is that I often do not know why I am angry. Or hurt. Or happy. Or sad. Or any emotion, really. I have to think very honestly about the cause of my emotion before I understand it.

I used to think emotions were these pure things that come upon you very suddenly, and that they were always true and trustworthy. I thought they could be counted on in life to steer you in the right direction.

I was very wrong. I have learned from experience that emotions are easily manipulated and can come upon you so suddenly that sometimes you can't handle them. They are raw things, and they can be very untrustworthy.

So when I am in this process of forgiveness, this step forces me to look at why the person's behavior has made me angry, or hurt, or sad. What has happened because of the behavior? What are the effects? As I contemplate these things, I also check my emotions, to see whether they are self-serving or genuine.

Step 1 helps you understand what you expected from them. Step 2 compiles a list of what they did. Step 3 looks at the damage resulting from the person's actions.

I have been surprised as I go through this process how often I am not angry or hurt because of what happened to me. More often I am upset at what happened to others. So as you go through step 3, do not hesitate to look beyond what was done to you, and include the bigger picture of how others were affected in your consideration.

As with the first two steps in the process, take your time, be thorough and honest, and bathe your thinking in prayer. Ask God to show you what really needs forgiving.

When you are finished with this step, you should have a pretty good idea of what it is you really need to forgive.

The work of forgiveness 8

A look at the second of the items in the process of forgiveness I am using.

2. What specific behaviors by this person violated my expectations?

Early on I realized I couldn't just call a person to mind with only a general sense of what they had done, and then forgive them. Whenever I tried to do it that way, I later would remember some specific incidents and behaviors I hadn't earlier considered, but which were definitely part of the picture. Then I would feel like I really hadn't forgiven them because I had not forgiven them for those specific things.

The result was that I felt as though I had gotten nowhere and that they were still on my "still to be forgiven" pile.

Since general forgiving wasn't going to work for me, I realized that for each person I needed to make a list of specific things that had been done that needed forgiving.

How I compiled my lists

This takes some time; don't rush things. It may take several days or weeks of consideration for you to come up with a good list.

You should find a quiet space to draw up your list.

It helps tremendously to pray before, during and after the list making time. Ask God to show you the real truth of the matter. Ask him to help you be fair. Ask to see things in a new way—the way he wants you to see them. Ask to be shown which things are the most important, and which are more minor.

Stay as concrete as you can and focus on specific actions, incidents and behaviors. If these things seem to be part of a pattern, try to figure out what the pattern is. I found that at the end most of my lists consisted of patterns of behavior, and that individual incidents were just examples of those patterns.

Once you have what you feel is a fairly comprehensive list, allow yourself time to reflect and edit. I find I typically add a couple more things upon reflection, and also modify some of what I already have written down, clarifying, being more fair or more precise, seeing things in a different way, etc.

It is OK to cross things off the list that you realize are not a big deal. It is OK to suddenly realize something new and add it to the list. The point of making the list is to figure out the scope of what needs forgiving.

Once you have a settled list, it is time to move to the third step of the process.

The work of forgiveness 7

Here is a closer look at the first step in the forgiveness process I am using.

1. What do I expect from a person with this kind of relationship to me? (My expectations of a co-worker, for instance, are different from what I expect from family.)

I noticed it was much easier for me to forgive some kinds of people than others. I could not figure out why until it dawned on me that I had different expectations for someone who was, say, a friend, than someone who was, for example, a paid professional.

I realized that if I had few expectations of someone, they were a lot easier to forgive. If I had a lot of expectations, even if I wasn't really aware of them, I found myself struggling to forgive without quite knowing why.

It hit me one day a few weeks ago that I was treating one group of people differently than another. After sitting with this for quite some time, I threw up my hands and said in exasperation, "So-and-So is easy to forgive, because they didn't know any better, but Person XYZ absolutely should have known better."

I had a different, higher standard for Person XYZ than I did for So-and-So. Was that fair? When I looked at my relationship with and expectations of each of the two people, I realized it was. They had done similar things I needed to forgive. But one person was in a position of authority and leadership, while the other was not. I had legitimately different expectations for each person.

That's when I realized that what I expected needed to be a kind of baseline to factor into forgiveness. Knowing my expectations helped me to understand why behavior that didn't live up to them was so troubling to me. It gave me a context and a key to moving forward with forgiveness.

The work of forgiveness 6

I should issue a warning about this forgiveness business.

I have found one of the most important, and healing, things about it is a willingness to be completely honest and to seek God's truth in the matter, wherever it takes you. And that includes being shown that sometimes you are more than the victim. Sometimes you had a part in what happened and need to ask God for forgiveness for your role before you can move on to forgive others.

I suspect this is part of the reason why we put off forgiving. We know, somewhere deep inside, that we were not 100 percent the victim, that some of the fault lies in ourselves. When I have been at least open to this possibility, sometimes I sense things I could have done differently or attitudes I harbored that contributed to what went wrong. Other times I sense no fault on my part. But it is good and pleasing to God to be open and available to the real truth of what happened.

As difficult as it can be, if you did have a part in things, discovering what it was, coming to terms with it, and bringing it before God can be very freeing for yourself, and can help you on your road to forgiving others.

Important note: I want to be clear that I'm not talking here about forgiving emotional or physical abuse, rape, incest or other heinous acts where there was a clear aggressor and a clear victim. For that I believe seeking professional counseling and legal help is essential, and that you should not be searching internally for what you might have done to "lead on" the aggressor or do any other such blaming of yourself. You may actually have been in this situation for years because aggressors in these circumstances often pull that ploy. It is part of their abuse. In your case, getting better may actually mean learning to stop searching for "your part" in what happened. Trained professionals can help.

The work of forgiveness 5

Why did I need a step-by-step process before I could forgive?

I found that once I had gotten a place where I wanted to forgive someone, I was looking at a tangled-up ball of thread. There was what they had done, how I and others had been hurt, the ripple effects and collateral damage that had ensued, residual feelings of fondness I had towards them, how God was in the situation, my anger at the sin itself, and on and on and on.

I simply did not know how to look at this jumble of emotions, anger, judgment and love and just forgive.

I wanted to be fair. I did not want to leave something out. I wanted to bring God into it. I wanted to be honest. I wanted to acknowledge that I and others had been damaged. I wanted to show compassion. I did not want to let the person off the hook by pretending what they did was OK.

Just looking at the tangled ball of thread and trying to forgive the whole thing was not going to get me anywhere. I needed to untangle it. And the only way I knew how to do that was to go step by step, figure out what my expectations had been (one pile of threads), what specific actions had violated them (another pile), and why this had made me so angry (yet another pile). Only then could I move on to resting in God and moving towards forgiveness.

The work of forgiveness 4

One of the difficulties in forgiving is how to go about it. I learned a long time ago that forgiveness has nothing to do with excusing the behavior, pretending it did not happen or that it did not hurt. The painful behavior happened. It was wrong. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness does not give a pass to the behavior.

Nor does forgiveness equal reconciliation. Forgiveness can happen without contacting the offender. It does not mean you need to restore a relationship with them. It is in large part about not allowing the behavior of the person to continue to dominate and consume your life in the future. It is a gift you give yourself, that allows you to move on with scars, rather than open wounds.

Because I had a number of people and situations to forgive, I realized I needed a multi-step process to help me with forgiveness this time around. I needed to forgive each individual for only the behaviors they produced, I needed to be as thorough as I could, and I wanted to be as fair as possible. Here is what I came up with, which so far is working for me. I will examine each step in the process in some detail in future posts.

A forgiveness process

1. What do I expect from a person with this kind of relationship to me? (My expectations of a co-worker, for instance, are different from what I expect from family.)

2. What specific behaviors by this person violated my expectations?

3. What was it about these behaviors that made me angry or hurt?

4. Bring steps 1-3 before the Lord, resting in him to help me forgive and gain insight into the person and situation

5. Reflect on what I am learning, come up with new perspectives, continue to an attitude of forgiveness, and realize there may or may not be an actual moment when I feel the work is complete. It may be more of a continuum where I gradually come to feel more forgiving than I had before.

6. Have some clarity about what the forgiveness will look like in this case. I may realize forgiving one person looks different from forgiving another.

The work of forgiveness 3

A lesson I learned more than a decade ago, when I had to do some other major forgiveness work related to the church, has been helpful to me again this time around.

And that is, you cannot just sit down and force yourself to forgive because you know you're supposed to. Or because yes, it's the right thing to do. Or because, if you're a Christian, it's something Jesus thought was pretty important and you feel terrible about not doing it. Or because you realize it's been a while and you need to get on with it.

You have to want to forgive before you can start the process of forgiving.

The thing I learned the first time around, is that if you realize you don't want to forgive, you can ask God to help you want to want to forgive. Let that sink in. If you don't yet want to forgive, it is perfectly acceptable—and healthy—to pray that God will help you want to want to forgive.

This is an honest acknowledgement of where you are if you don't want to forgive yet. Perhaps you are in a place where you need to think some more, to try to make sense of what happened. Or you are so hurt that you need to be able to hang on to the feeling of being a victim a little while longer. You know you don't want to stay in that place forever, but you are not ready to give it up just yet.

The healthy thing to do is to understand where you are, own up to it, and admit you are not quite ready to move on. At the same time, you can be open to a change in perspective where you could move from where you are now, to a place where you would want to want to forgive.

Once again I find myself in need of forgiving some big things. And once again this advice (I wish I could remember where I had read it all those years ago) has stood me in good stead. Getting to a point where you actually want to forgive is possibly just as hard as the actual forgiveness process itself.

The work of forgiveness 2

One thing I am learning is that forgiveness moves in and out of focus. At times I believe I have completed the work with someone. A while later I remember some new, different thing that must be examined, considered, and forgiven. Although this does not set me back to square one, it does teach me that forgiveness is a journey that's a bit longer and more complicated than you might expect.

I try not to get frustrated by this, and instead see it as the way forgiveness works.

It is as if I am a farmer in the northeast preparing a field. At first, many rocks turn up in the field. Each of them must be dug out, examined, and put aside—perhaps into a rock wall. After a while of this, the field has far fewer rocks and can be used to grow crops.

Yet rocks still remain. In fact, some of them would probably have laid buried if it were not for the earlier plowing and removal of other rocks. Occasionally the plow will hit them unexpectedly. What does the farmer do? Once again dig up the rock, examine it, and add it to the rock wall. If the rock is left where it is, sure, crops can be grown. But whenever it's planting or harvest time, that rock will impede the process. Better to dig it up, deal with it, and then move on.

Forgiveness is like that, I think. We are walking this journey with God, open to examining and dealing with any rocks he brings to our attention, in the timing he chooses.